It is all stuff. Who knows anything. Most of the time I am perplexed. The world makes me dizzy sometimes. When I get dizzy I react. I have strong energy and sometimes it overwhelms me. I often have to remember to be patient with myself. It is hard sometimes, but part of the true test on the journey. I talk about us as being diamonds, complex beings composed of many sides. I still believe this. It is one of the more insightful things I have learned in my life.
Sometimes I get caught up in fears that I am being abandoned. Sometimes I feel that I am being evaluated and judged by others and that I somehow get back into my shell and blow up at others around me. Sometimes the anger is hard to control. Sometimes I get caught up in my own drama. My reactions from the past still assert themselves.
Meh
It's all just stuff. I much prefer reading the hollywood magazine in the laundromat that details the latest adventures of the Kardashians, or who dressed the best or about the latest bachelor. He had commitment issues and is now ready for love now. How great.
Meh, it's all stories, it's all words. There is no negation of any of it, there is no justification of any of it. It all just is...
Don't mind me, I'm just a boy. Yes, I am a boy. I figured that out. So to get back to the point...
Is there a point, except...
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Saturday, September 10, 2011
A Philosophy of Life, 2003-revised 2011-my own journey
---in a future yet to be conceived—
A man and a woman are standing in a field. At one time it was beautiful. It was full of grass and trees, and flowers, invigorated by a fresh blue sky. Now it is a scorched wasteland, barren of all life except for the man and woman.
“Why are we here? What is our purpose in being here at this particular moment?” asks the woman as she looks into the horizon and turns to look the man in the eye.
“It is the truth we are seeking. Look at it, focus all your energy on it and contemplate its deep and eternal meaning. The meaning is right here in front of us. Remember that this wasteland was once beautiful, but now it is dying, and us along with it. Pretty soon we will die and the cycle shall be complete”
“We are a part of a cycle of forward motion that began at the creation of the universe. We are the final, living embodiment of matter and particles that have been perpetually in form since creation.”
“So, what it all comes down to is that death is the ultimate meaning of life?”
The man turns to the sea, and points out into the horizon, “this was once teeming with life, but now is mucky, lifeless goo. I was once full of that life, as were you. When we die, no one will remember us, what we accomplished and who we were.”
“What will happen once we die, when we are gone and there are no more voices?”
“We will be swept away by the sea of death. But this existence is only one point. We are joining something bigger. Every end is a beginning. Every beginning is an end. There is always something more wonderful beyond the horizon. It lies just out of the reach of our own perception.”
The man takes a big breath and looks deeply into the eyes of the woman. They share a glance. All that can be heard is the burning sun, and the sound of the listless sand being blown by the sterile wind.
“My love, do not fear this, for it is our destiny. It is what we were born for. It is our privilege to be able to witness the end of this. For it is the beginning of something so very great.
The woman nods, and caresses the man’s face. It is rough and firm. “So now we will hold hands for one final time and follow our path?”
“Yes, do not fear it”, grabs the woman’s hand.
“We are fulfilling our cosmic destiny, right now we are the most important things in the universe. Come on, we must go.”
They jump into the water
A man and a woman are standing in a field. At one time it was beautiful. It was full of grass and trees, and flowers, invigorated by a fresh blue sky. Now it is a scorched wasteland, barren of all life except for the man and woman.
“Why are we here? What is our purpose in being here at this particular moment?” asks the woman as she looks into the horizon and turns to look the man in the eye.
“It is the truth we are seeking. Look at it, focus all your energy on it and contemplate its deep and eternal meaning. The meaning is right here in front of us. Remember that this wasteland was once beautiful, but now it is dying, and us along with it. Pretty soon we will die and the cycle shall be complete”
“We are a part of a cycle of forward motion that began at the creation of the universe. We are the final, living embodiment of matter and particles that have been perpetually in form since creation.”
“So, what it all comes down to is that death is the ultimate meaning of life?”
The man turns to the sea, and points out into the horizon, “this was once teeming with life, but now is mucky, lifeless goo. I was once full of that life, as were you. When we die, no one will remember us, what we accomplished and who we were.”
“What will happen once we die, when we are gone and there are no more voices?”
“We will be swept away by the sea of death. But this existence is only one point. We are joining something bigger. Every end is a beginning. Every beginning is an end. There is always something more wonderful beyond the horizon. It lies just out of the reach of our own perception.”
The man takes a big breath and looks deeply into the eyes of the woman. They share a glance. All that can be heard is the burning sun, and the sound of the listless sand being blown by the sterile wind.
“My love, do not fear this, for it is our destiny. It is what we were born for. It is our privilege to be able to witness the end of this. For it is the beginning of something so very great.
The woman nods, and caresses the man’s face. It is rough and firm. “So now we will hold hands for one final time and follow our path?”
“Yes, do not fear it”, grabs the woman’s hand.
“We are fulfilling our cosmic destiny, right now we are the most important things in the universe. Come on, we must go.”
They jump into the water
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Eternal OM Meditation
Sit down, breathe deeply, and stay focused on your center. Think about this, you are in your spot. You are a small atom of a larger cell, feel yourself becoming a cell, and many cells and many pulsing life functions. Feel them all come together and you are the whole of it. Listen to the sound you make, be aware of the energies around you and your place. Slowly go up and farther, keep going farther up into the sky, feel the wind, and farther up into the higher atmosphere until the land is gone and the sky begins to mingle with outer space. You are between earth and space, keep going up farther until you begin to see the whole earth emerge from behind you, you see the continents gradually give way to a more expanded view that includes islands, oceans and seas. Be aware of the energies of every living thing currently below you, every little weed, every fish and sea creature at the bottom of the sea, every human and animal and everything that has life. Be aware of every distinct sound from the darkest sea chasm to the highest reach of habitable sky. Feel it all as it spreads out below you as you rise. Be aware of every sound. Listen for it, as every sound joins into a greater chorus, as you reach a point, in quiet space, just above the earth where the whole planet is visible in front of you. Acknowledge every living thing that is present on the earth. Now, sit in silence for about 30 seconds, center your energy, and listen to the combined sound of all life on the planet. Listen to the melody of the synchronized single note that it makes. It is the single voice of the planet, the collective harmony of all that has rhythm. There are billions of singers in a great choir that has been nonstop since life began in the planet. Every second it becomes a new choir as organisms wilt and bloom or dissolve or hatch or are born or take their final breath. From this ever moving diversity, you come and you are a part. Listen to the unclouded voice of life that this expanded perspective brings you. It is the OM.
It is the great spirit of life.
What a beautiful thought it is to think about what lies in space outside of our planet and its song. How many songs are there on other worlds? In the universe, how many songs vibrate through space? The universe is alive with sensation, feeling and sound. The song of the earth is absorbed into space, liberated from all constraint except the flow of eternity stretching outward into the cosmos. It keeps going and going until it all meets in a great harmonic energy. This is the sound of the universe.
OM
To the great cosmic sun—energize us, keep us strong, let us feel you
It is the great spirit of life.
What a beautiful thought it is to think about what lies in space outside of our planet and its song. How many songs are there on other worlds? In the universe, how many songs vibrate through space? The universe is alive with sensation, feeling and sound. The song of the earth is absorbed into space, liberated from all constraint except the flow of eternity stretching outward into the cosmos. It keeps going and going until it all meets in a great harmonic energy. This is the sound of the universe.
OM
To the great cosmic sun—energize us, keep us strong, let us feel you
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Dimensions--Part 1
I am going to talk about dimensions. In my life the idea of dimensions has been taking greater meaning on many different levels (dimensions), and like dimensions often do, they often intersect and interact. I find that the more I concentrate on a certain dimension, the more aspects of other dimensions in my life come to the surface.
In this entry, I will also talk about archetypes. Archetypes are useful in describing someone when getting at the essence is impossible. This is because we are all so much more complex than any expression can really articulate. Archetypes are useful because they allow us to draw up in the moment sketches of different individuals and how those individuals interact, and react, with each other.
Earlier in this week I had a nice supper with a couple of friends I will refer to as wise woman and noble strength. We had a nice supper and much discussion. We were chatting about ourselves and how we appear to the world, and how we interact with others. The topic came to the face that we present to the world. Wise woman remarked that whenever she sees me, I am always displaying a different side of myself. She compared it to a diamond, a whole and complete object that shines out many distinct sides. The diamond is perfect yet shines out a different side.
Of course, all three of us could relate to that analogy. We each had many sides and often out of necessity we may have felt it necessary to censor certain angles, so we can better get along with, and relate to, the world around us.
I thought about myself. In my youth I was bullied and had few friends. I adopted a persona of meek passivity as a way of dealing with it. This was for a number of reasons; first, it allowed me to get it over with as quick as possible. Second, it was a way I had in deflecting attention away from myself. In doing this, I would not be a target. Third, it allowed me to take advantage of brief moments of reprieve when I would be temporarily made a part of the group. Yet one truth is that I have always been a deeply sensitive individual. It was easier for me to often lie down and play dead, than to try and fight back. My sensitivity made it difficult for me to fight back, for in such intense moments all I could do was keep it together.
Yes, perhaps at some level I was too sensitive. Sometimes sensitivity and meekness can be mistaken as passivity and weakness. When other do not fully understand us, it is easy for them to take the hostile angle. It makes it easier than fully understanding the weak individual. I look back to one bully that stands out above all else from my Junior High school years. I will call him frightened bully because he saw me in my vulnerability and was enraged by it. He didn’t know what to make of me, and would always look at me with such sharp contempt. The contempt was piercing in his eyes, and there were times he came close to spitting on me. I did nothing to warrant his hate, but that is really beside the point. The point is that my sensitivity could feel the energy of pure hate radiating toward me. In those moments I became docile because docility allowed me to get it over with as soon as possible. It was never because I felt I was weak, and felt I deserved it, it was because that reaction was the only reaction that I could do in such moments so as to play the dummy.
One incident sticks out. It was about sixteen or seventeen years ago. It took place in the gym changing room just after class. We were all getting dressed and getting ready for lunch break. I am not certain what led up to it, but suddenly his rage intensified, and he cornered me. I could feel it. He came up to me and began to mercilessly berate me. Talking me down and such...Anyway, He took hold of my neck and was ravenous with his rage. At this point even some of the other boys were saying he should cool off and that he was going too far. I could feel his contempt for me strongest at that time. Suddenly, he took me and rammed my head into a wooden coat hanger. I was shocked, and dizzy. I was immobile, as the boys began to leave the changing room. One asked me if I was ok. I silently nodded. I waited for everyone to leave. I just sat there in my shock and I cried. I cried so loud and so honestly. This moment set me on a track that I would stay on for ten years. I went forever into my shell and I never left it. It was safe and warm. Who cared if everyone else was going to dances and parties, and having dates and playing sports and all that normal stuff that boys do, all I cared about was preserving my dignity. For the rest of junior high school, high school and the first few years of mature adulthood, in my shell was largely where I stayed. I would go to school (and later university) do what I needed to so, and come home and use the internet. I would chat on IRC, and I would just stay at home. I would rarely venture out unless I had to.
The point here is not that I am sharing my story, wanting pity and/or admiration for my nobility of spirit, the real point is that often out of necessity we do the best we can to cope with our lives. We do what we need to do, and this doing often involves censoring parts of ourselves so as to maintain our own balance. How often do we look at others and not really know at all? For years frightened bully would often emerge from my mind as a divisive figure. I would see myself as kind and sensitive and forgiving and non judgemental and all this good stuff, then memories of him would emerge and I would start having these vicious fantasies where I would get him pinned down in a powerless position and beat the shit out of him while talking down to him. Often over the years, he would emerge as an archetype to challenge my own conception of self. We often try to think the best of ourselves. We often try to see the other as the evil one, or the misunderstanding one. We often find it easier to blame the other so as to make our own inner turmoil less important.
Well, the honest truth is that we are all complex beings. We are complex in and with ourselves, and we are complex in our interactions with others. Scared bully and a few others like him put me through terrible pain, yet the truly beautiful experiences, friendships and accomplishments of my life emerged through my experiences with him and others. It fortified me and made me aware of the depths of my own self. I have never been able to rest in easy honesty with myself. I have always been aware of the different sides of myself. I have always been unsettled in my position. This is a beautiful thing, because the more unsettled you are, the more you are driven to explore yourself and come to terms with yourself. The more you are forced to confront yourself. This is the true gift.
In this entry, I will also talk about archetypes. Archetypes are useful in describing someone when getting at the essence is impossible. This is because we are all so much more complex than any expression can really articulate. Archetypes are useful because they allow us to draw up in the moment sketches of different individuals and how those individuals interact, and react, with each other.
Earlier in this week I had a nice supper with a couple of friends I will refer to as wise woman and noble strength. We had a nice supper and much discussion. We were chatting about ourselves and how we appear to the world, and how we interact with others. The topic came to the face that we present to the world. Wise woman remarked that whenever she sees me, I am always displaying a different side of myself. She compared it to a diamond, a whole and complete object that shines out many distinct sides. The diamond is perfect yet shines out a different side.
Of course, all three of us could relate to that analogy. We each had many sides and often out of necessity we may have felt it necessary to censor certain angles, so we can better get along with, and relate to, the world around us.
I thought about myself. In my youth I was bullied and had few friends. I adopted a persona of meek passivity as a way of dealing with it. This was for a number of reasons; first, it allowed me to get it over with as quick as possible. Second, it was a way I had in deflecting attention away from myself. In doing this, I would not be a target. Third, it allowed me to take advantage of brief moments of reprieve when I would be temporarily made a part of the group. Yet one truth is that I have always been a deeply sensitive individual. It was easier for me to often lie down and play dead, than to try and fight back. My sensitivity made it difficult for me to fight back, for in such intense moments all I could do was keep it together.
Yes, perhaps at some level I was too sensitive. Sometimes sensitivity and meekness can be mistaken as passivity and weakness. When other do not fully understand us, it is easy for them to take the hostile angle. It makes it easier than fully understanding the weak individual. I look back to one bully that stands out above all else from my Junior High school years. I will call him frightened bully because he saw me in my vulnerability and was enraged by it. He didn’t know what to make of me, and would always look at me with such sharp contempt. The contempt was piercing in his eyes, and there were times he came close to spitting on me. I did nothing to warrant his hate, but that is really beside the point. The point is that my sensitivity could feel the energy of pure hate radiating toward me. In those moments I became docile because docility allowed me to get it over with as soon as possible. It was never because I felt I was weak, and felt I deserved it, it was because that reaction was the only reaction that I could do in such moments so as to play the dummy.
One incident sticks out. It was about sixteen or seventeen years ago. It took place in the gym changing room just after class. We were all getting dressed and getting ready for lunch break. I am not certain what led up to it, but suddenly his rage intensified, and he cornered me. I could feel it. He came up to me and began to mercilessly berate me. Talking me down and such...Anyway, He took hold of my neck and was ravenous with his rage. At this point even some of the other boys were saying he should cool off and that he was going too far. I could feel his contempt for me strongest at that time. Suddenly, he took me and rammed my head into a wooden coat hanger. I was shocked, and dizzy. I was immobile, as the boys began to leave the changing room. One asked me if I was ok. I silently nodded. I waited for everyone to leave. I just sat there in my shock and I cried. I cried so loud and so honestly. This moment set me on a track that I would stay on for ten years. I went forever into my shell and I never left it. It was safe and warm. Who cared if everyone else was going to dances and parties, and having dates and playing sports and all that normal stuff that boys do, all I cared about was preserving my dignity. For the rest of junior high school, high school and the first few years of mature adulthood, in my shell was largely where I stayed. I would go to school (and later university) do what I needed to so, and come home and use the internet. I would chat on IRC, and I would just stay at home. I would rarely venture out unless I had to.
The point here is not that I am sharing my story, wanting pity and/or admiration for my nobility of spirit, the real point is that often out of necessity we do the best we can to cope with our lives. We do what we need to do, and this doing often involves censoring parts of ourselves so as to maintain our own balance. How often do we look at others and not really know at all? For years frightened bully would often emerge from my mind as a divisive figure. I would see myself as kind and sensitive and forgiving and non judgemental and all this good stuff, then memories of him would emerge and I would start having these vicious fantasies where I would get him pinned down in a powerless position and beat the shit out of him while talking down to him. Often over the years, he would emerge as an archetype to challenge my own conception of self. We often try to think the best of ourselves. We often try to see the other as the evil one, or the misunderstanding one. We often find it easier to blame the other so as to make our own inner turmoil less important.
Well, the honest truth is that we are all complex beings. We are complex in and with ourselves, and we are complex in our interactions with others. Scared bully and a few others like him put me through terrible pain, yet the truly beautiful experiences, friendships and accomplishments of my life emerged through my experiences with him and others. It fortified me and made me aware of the depths of my own self. I have never been able to rest in easy honesty with myself. I have always been aware of the different sides of myself. I have always been unsettled in my position. This is a beautiful thing, because the more unsettled you are, the more you are driven to explore yourself and come to terms with yourself. The more you are forced to confront yourself. This is the true gift.
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