Accomplishment

I have always had a mixed relationship with the idea of accomplishment. On one level, I want my accomplishments to be recognised as beneficial to people I know and maybe even society at large. On another level, I have often found it the height of my own stress when I think about accomplishments mattering. It's as if there is so much emphasis placed on the picture that we paint of ourselves and how we are positioned in society. For many people, myself included, there is currently an intense form of mediation going on. We are trying to reconcile our own inner guidance, spark and truth with the socially expected progression with jobs and degrees and respectability. Throughout my busy day I encounter so many moments that allow me to consider my own sense of self in relation to my journey. More specifically, I have many opportunities to come to a better understanding of myself and my own impulses and desires and intensities in relation to the greater world. This is both the greatest liberation and the greatest test.

I entered my twenties a very closed off and angry person. My childhood and youth were spent in a state of alienation from my peers. Teachers would often be bewildered by me. They would be bewildered by my unwillingness to play with other kids and join in with games. They couldn't understand why I was an outsider, a misfit. I remember one day in grade six. It was recess and a beautiful late spring/early summer day. I was sitting alone on a bench facing the sports court where the other kids were playing. My teacher came up to me and asked me why I didn't go and join in with the others. He said it in a tone like I was choosing to be an outsider, and choosing to be a misfit. I remember that in that moment I felt a kind of peace just sitting there, watching and not feeling under any pressure to join in. Joining in has always often seemed to cause me extreme pressure. It's not good or bad, it's just as it is.

I had an interesting discussion last night with two lovely friends. One of the friends (who I think very highly of and am not afraid to say it) said to me that I wouldn't have thought as highly of her two years ago. I laughed, and said, "if you had met me ten years ago you would have seen a different person." In many ways the person who I was ten years ago was unlikeable. This not because I was actually unlikeable, but that I had a greater protective shield at that point. I was very good at pushing people away. I was afraid of being repelling to people. I couldn't understand why anyone could ever want to be friends with me. I often thought, "look at me. Look at how pathetic I am compared to the glowing superstars around me" and when anyone sincerely wanted to be my friend, a reflex would kick in and I would push people away. I was afraid.

Yet something my other friend (a lady who is wise and beautiful) said made perfect sense. It is a perspective I draw on myself when chatting to other people with similar concerns. We may go through our experiences, we may put up our shields, and we may appear negative and angry, yet the essence of who we are is there. It is love and beauty and peace and kindness. It is who we are. Sometimes it may get masked behind neuroses and other issues, but it is there.

My friend said she gets impatient easily. I get impatient easily. I don't like staying in one place for too long without making progress. If I don't make that progress, my issues and self critical voices try to kick in and tell me that I am idle and should make plans...should do something. Yet the point of all this is this. It is that our journey is like a flower, awakening in the morning. In the darkness of early dawn, it is all closed off and dormant. Over time, as the sunlight intensifies, it gradually opens up more and more. It is not forced. It follows it's own natural rhythm. Sometimes we can become impatient with it because it is not going as fast as we would like, but it is still progressing in its natural way. Even if we may not realize it in our moment, we are opening, and blossoming.

The beautiful thing is that all will come together. One day we will awake and suddenly we will be aware that we are blossomed, and we are ready to share with the world. It is a process. There is no need for shame or bewilderment or fear or sadness. The process is what's important.

Aug 30, 2011