Confessions of a "late bloomer"

I am a connector, but just for awhile I want to be a star, a true star on the stage. I want to strut my stuff and be that flamboyant, unique, silly and random part of me that I often feel I have to put up in a bun and hold back. I sometimes wonder if success for me will ever come about as a direct manifestation of my own innate gifts and abilities. I have an uncanny "gift" for being an agent of connection between people, to help bring people together who need it. In my moments of being social, suddenly it seems like I am a magnet of the universe who helps facilitate needs fulfillment and meaningful connection. I also have a knack for being a catalyst to get people to do things they should do, and to help instill confidence in others. I am also a silent healer. I sit in space and broadcast galactic healing frequencies. I sometimes doubt my ability and the gift but I know the feelings and the magic is to real to deny it. Still it is a background and silent kind of gift. This is all well and good but I know in me is a part that needs real and full expression in the world. I will do my best to allow that and not get in the way of it. I guess the best way of saying it is that I am a background director and I love it, but I would love to be one of the shining stars as well. People say "Just do it, put yourself out there" or "allow it and it will happen naturally." I find it hard to have patience in that or in myself. It is one of my most challenging challenges in life to find the true motivation to get up and exert my passion and energy into such pursuits. As Prufrock said "Do I dare?" If I do "Dare" than where and how do I begin? It all seems so easy but I come from a life of holding back so "beginning" is a big thing for me, and I can get demotivated so easy So to "begin" at this stage of my life incorporates all sorts of elements of weird and odd feelings. I never found myself in my teens or my 20s, and it has only been in my 30s that I have had any true inkling of me and who I am. I am 36 now. I know I am not "old" but oldness is a very relevant thing. I look back and see if I had come out 15 or more years ago now, where would I be, and who would I be? What color and joy and progress would my life have to show for it? This is the untangling of the knots we can so often get ourselves tangled into. I appreciate the people who can untangle themselves as early as possible. There is a freedom and a joy in it. When I see it in others, I like to acknowledge it. I don't do it to make a direct comparison, but when I see youths 10 or more years younger than me making great strides it truly makes me reflect deeply and intently on my own journey, who I am and where I came from and where I am not go, and how.

My Wisdom Book (or Taking a cruise)

Let me begin by saying that a pen, if it is the right pen, can feel so pure.

My sadness

I notice even in my smiling pictures an almost forced expression. I can see the heaviness and the tensions and the depths of the parts of my life I am trying to sort out and understand and I see those parts of me that are still feeling the heaviness of the load. People say to forgive and drop it but it isn't that simple and sometimes there is no way around it.

I read a book about manifesting abundance and it said I should look in the mirror and practice self love mirror work. Truth be told I find it to be a very heavy process trying to find things about myself that I can freely and easily love. It only brings me back to the feeling of the heaviness that I carry and I feel it. I did my mirror work this afternoon and I looked deep into my eyes and I saw the sadness in that moment...I saw my sadness and I cried a deep cry...I don't know why I am saying this...no one should be expected to care. I don't expect anyone to care because I am a secret one and I do my best to keep my emotions silent.

After I cried I looked down on the floor and there was a pretty much squished spider with one side still moving and quivering and I must have stepped on it and I couldn't leave it like that so for the first time in my life I stepped on it to finish it off as an act of mercy. I love spiders. They are beautiful and I cried out my apologies to it. What else can I do? Some days when I feel intensely I have a hard time finding things about myself to like. What is the purposeful passion I should pursue? somehow that would all make it better, wouldn't it? I go super drive in my head trying to figure out my "thing" that which is cultivated and pursued can be my passion and therefore make up for life and validate my being. I see more and more people advertising the appearance of their intuitive gifts and health food stores are full of posters and business cards advertising the services. How many intuitive reader life coach energy re connective healers can we need? How many yoga classes and "intro sessions" and great artists whose music we can be inspired by do we need?

For me, I am trying to open up to my relevance in my own way. I want to be in a space where I am relevant. I want to be relevant. Now I am in a space of becoming. I wonder what's in store? I feel like I have to justify my life; in a world that demands so much from me to even feel worthy of existing...I am a complacent ambitious. I don't share the ambitions that others share. I hurt sometimes when I feel I have to fight for some sort of feeling of being worthy or fail into nothingness and I am trying to find my space, my place and my middle ground.