My sadness

I notice even in my smiling pictures an almost forced expression. I can see the heaviness and the tensions and the depths of the parts of my life I am trying to sort out and understand and I see those parts of me that are still feeling the heaviness of the load. People say to forgive and drop it but it isn't that simple and sometimes there is no way around it.

I read a book about manifesting abundance and it said I should look in the mirror and practice self love mirror work. Truth be told I find it to be a very heavy process trying to find things about myself that I can freely and easily love. It only brings me back to the feeling of the heaviness that I carry and I feel it. I did my mirror work this afternoon and I looked deep into my eyes and I saw the sadness in that moment...I saw my sadness and I cried a deep cry...I don't know why I am saying this...no one should be expected to care. I don't expect anyone to care because I am a secret one and I do my best to keep my emotions silent.

After I cried I looked down on the floor and there was a pretty much squished spider with one side still moving and quivering and I must have stepped on it and I couldn't leave it like that so for the first time in my life I stepped on it to finish it off as an act of mercy. I love spiders. They are beautiful and I cried out my apologies to it. What else can I do? Some days when I feel intensely I have a hard time finding things about myself to like. What is the purposeful passion I should pursue? somehow that would all make it better, wouldn't it? I go super drive in my head trying to figure out my "thing" that which is cultivated and pursued can be my passion and therefore make up for life and validate my being. I see more and more people advertising the appearance of their intuitive gifts and health food stores are full of posters and business cards advertising the services. How many intuitive reader life coach energy re connective healers can we need? How many yoga classes and "intro sessions" and great artists whose music we can be inspired by do we need?

For me, I am trying to open up to my relevance in my own way. I want to be in a space where I am relevant. I want to be relevant. Now I am in a space of becoming. I wonder what's in store? I feel like I have to justify my life; in a world that demands so much from me to even feel worthy of existing...I am a complacent ambitious. I don't share the ambitions that others share. I hurt sometimes when I feel I have to fight for some sort of feeling of being worthy or fail into nothingness and I am trying to find my space, my place and my middle ground.