Confessions of a "late bloomer"

I am a connector, but just for awhile I want to be a star, a true star on the stage. I want to strut my stuff and be that flamboyant, unique, silly and random part of me that I often feel I have to put up in a bun and hold back. I sometimes wonder if success for me will ever come about as a direct manifestation of my own innate gifts and abilities. I have an uncanny "gift" for being an agent of connection between people, to help bring people together who need it. In my moments of being social, suddenly it seems like I am a magnet of the universe who helps facilitate needs fulfillment and meaningful connection. I also have a knack for being a catalyst to get people to do things they should do, and to help instill confidence in others. I am also a silent healer. I sit in space and broadcast galactic healing frequencies. I sometimes doubt my ability and the gift but I know the feelings and the magic is to real to deny it. Still it is a background and silent kind of gift. This is all well and good but I know in me is a part that needs real and full expression in the world. I will do my best to allow that and not get in the way of it. I guess the best way of saying it is that I am a background director and I love it, but I would love to be one of the shining stars as well. People say "Just do it, put yourself out there" or "allow it and it will happen naturally." I find it hard to have patience in that or in myself. It is one of my most challenging challenges in life to find the true motivation to get up and exert my passion and energy into such pursuits. As Prufrock said "Do I dare?" If I do "Dare" than where and how do I begin? It all seems so easy but I come from a life of holding back so "beginning" is a big thing for me, and I can get demotivated so easy So to "begin" at this stage of my life incorporates all sorts of elements of weird and odd feelings. I never found myself in my teens or my 20s, and it has only been in my 30s that I have had any true inkling of me and who I am. I am 36 now. I know I am not "old" but oldness is a very relevant thing. I look back and see if I had come out 15 or more years ago now, where would I be, and who would I be? What color and joy and progress would my life have to show for it? This is the untangling of the knots we can so often get ourselves tangled into. I appreciate the people who can untangle themselves as early as possible. There is a freedom and a joy in it. When I see it in others, I like to acknowledge it. I don't do it to make a direct comparison, but when I see youths 10 or more years younger than me making great strides it truly makes me reflect deeply and intently on my own journey, who I am and where I came from and where I am not go, and how.

My Wisdom Book (or Taking a cruise)

Let me begin by saying that a pen, if it is the right pen, can feel so pure.

My sadness

I notice even in my smiling pictures an almost forced expression. I can see the heaviness and the tensions and the depths of the parts of my life I am trying to sort out and understand and I see those parts of me that are still feeling the heaviness of the load. People say to forgive and drop it but it isn't that simple and sometimes there is no way around it.

I read a book about manifesting abundance and it said I should look in the mirror and practice self love mirror work. Truth be told I find it to be a very heavy process trying to find things about myself that I can freely and easily love. It only brings me back to the feeling of the heaviness that I carry and I feel it. I did my mirror work this afternoon and I looked deep into my eyes and I saw the sadness in that moment...I saw my sadness and I cried a deep cry...I don't know why I am saying this...no one should be expected to care. I don't expect anyone to care because I am a secret one and I do my best to keep my emotions silent.

After I cried I looked down on the floor and there was a pretty much squished spider with one side still moving and quivering and I must have stepped on it and I couldn't leave it like that so for the first time in my life I stepped on it to finish it off as an act of mercy. I love spiders. They are beautiful and I cried out my apologies to it. What else can I do? Some days when I feel intensely I have a hard time finding things about myself to like. What is the purposeful passion I should pursue? somehow that would all make it better, wouldn't it? I go super drive in my head trying to figure out my "thing" that which is cultivated and pursued can be my passion and therefore make up for life and validate my being. I see more and more people advertising the appearance of their intuitive gifts and health food stores are full of posters and business cards advertising the services. How many intuitive reader life coach energy re connective healers can we need? How many yoga classes and "intro sessions" and great artists whose music we can be inspired by do we need?

For me, I am trying to open up to my relevance in my own way. I want to be in a space where I am relevant. I want to be relevant. Now I am in a space of becoming. I wonder what's in store? I feel like I have to justify my life; in a world that demands so much from me to even feel worthy of existing...I am a complacent ambitious. I don't share the ambitions that others share. I hurt sometimes when I feel I have to fight for some sort of feeling of being worthy or fail into nothingness and I am trying to find my space, my place and my middle ground.

Full Circle- the woven potential of life

Time is interesting. What I mean by that is that our state of being...our state of grounded connection in life can be fascinating in relation to our connections and the opportunities life gives us to share our connections. Sometimes it can seem like it is rambling and often missing the point, but in the very missing of the point is where the point is made. For example, the other night I was with a friend having lunch at a new Asian restaurant downtown, and she was sharing about her current art project which was in its own way a capture of the distinct moments of life, especially those aspects of life that can excite us to the possibilities of life, and experience. In a sense such things can nurture our inspiration which is, at the end of the day, what really should be nurtured... She asked me if I spoke at a local event called Mo Mondays, and I told her I did. She asked me what I spoke about, to which I replied something along the lines of "I can't remember, specifically, but if I keep talking the theme will come back to me." I talked about myself and how I sit at the intersection of troublemaker and peacemaker, and how it has felt that in my life I have often been in my space of being and by also being in that space of being I have felt interrupted and have somewhat frequently lashed out. I am me, I am (and have been) one of the quietest beings that you could know in life. In life I desire peace. I have often been a loner. When I was a child, it was often asked of me why I didn't engage with the other kids, why I was different. I remember an incident from when I was in grade six. It was recess (or lunch break) and I was sitting alone on the bench in front of the basketball court/tennis racket/general sports and active area. I was just sitting there, and the teacher came over to me and asked "Why don't you make an effort to join the other kids?" He had a genuine tone of confusion and also of blame. Anyhow, the place of this story in my narrative is not to rehash old stories, but to use the stories as a way to illustrate my journey. Which in a way is the general theme of this expression today. The theme is being, and life and the moments that stick out to us and how through my own sensitivity I am able to share meaningful moments in time. At first glance, momentary connections are nothing, but they can be part of the

woven potential of life

which is essentially what I enjoy sharing and discovering. I shared one story about an experience I had when I was about eleven years old or so one late summer or early fall morning and I was waiting at the bus stop to catch the bus for school. It was around the time that the school pictures were being taken. I remember being in a space of observer, and somehow at that misty moment, I felt (in some way) quite mystical. I enjoy expressing myself. I have always found it easy to express myself. I can reflect back on expression in my life. It is a great joy to express. But back to the moment. I remember that I looked and there was another child, about 4 or so years younger than me. She was in grade 1 or kindergarten, and she was also dressed for class pictures. She was dressed in a pretty red dress and matching ribbons in her hair. She was happy and smiling and cute. I was distant and not terribly popular. I stood back and watched it.

Full Circle--silent witness to my being

I sit here, and all comes together. All the experiences are stories waiting to be told. How would it be to reach into it all and bring it all forward? So many moments, so much time. Yet at the same time it is all so finite. I look into the sun at the St. John's farmers market and am reminded of the depth of life. You can always be reminded of what it means to be human. In this space it is easy to be reminded of what it means to be a human being. In this space the stories and the mixing of life is clear. It is fresh and eager where all the people are simply engaging with life in this moment. What is special in all this? We go about our days, engaging with the world in our own many ways. We find ways to fill it up with meaning. We find things that inspire us, and we hope that it is enough. Yet this is the deep and key lesson, for certain individuals are satisfied working at their crafts, yet there are also secret inspirational artists who give form to inanimate essence. I see it all over the market. There is the waffle lady with her waffles and her fresh homemade toppings. Pure maple syrup, homemade whipped cream and a bounty of plenty. There are so many artists of many varieties. Yet it is all temporal, crumbling. What is illusion? What do we each mean? The stars are like songs. They are like the burning candle. Yet the stars are in their own way candles. They light up the universe. Learning is kind of a weird concept. All of this is a part of the bigger picture. How can we fulfill our deepest potentials? I mean really truly fulfill our deepest potentials? Or are there really no deepest potentials to fulfill? What is the sequence of life, what is the sequence of existence? Looking through the experiences of a life perhaps we can see ourselves and express our experiences. I am grateful for my experiences. I reflect on the web of life, the interconnected intersections of life. I reflect on the many who perhaps only briefly I have shared the journey with. Sometimes it is a shared journey where I have not met the person, yet the echo of the meaningfulness of the presence is there. Sometimes a gap of a century or two or three separates us, yet there is still a connection. There are some people who we meet in life who are clearly set apart. They are clearly mystics who challenge us to see and feel the deepest parts of ourselves. They can seem to evoke and perhaps notice our deepest essence. Even if they will never meet us, the connection is still the same. It is an ongoing meaning of potential. The presence of these individuals allow us to see who we are, and also who we could be, or could have been. We then can recognise the other within us. We might react with fear, or aggression and all that, but such meetings are still a part of the web of magic. We must really engage with all parts of life to understand it. Even those who appear to be the archetype of the margin. We may have dreams and the abject will undress itself in front of us, "there is more to me than what you see..." We may pass countless individuals on the street who may appear totally incoherent to us, yet in looking into those eyes, we may see something akin to a deep mystical clarity. We may see a wisdom and a presence that is not of this reality.

The Walk

If we really step back from our lives and appreciate the interactions and experiences from an expanded perspective, we can see a rhythm in the road we take. It is almost like

What I believe

i am spiritual because I believe in the universe that I am a part of, one that stretches way out beyond any conceptualization or understanding, and any efforts to really adequately get to it is impossible. I believe in the vastness of distance, the rarity of life and the inherent magic in these two things. I believe in myself, my place and my dreams and purpose and my own being here.I believe in the universe, a gigantic song. It is conceptualized as a perfect harmony. I believe in myself as a part of that harmony. I am a resonance within space